28 December 2010

Pros and Cons Of Being A Monster

Okay, I know that Twilight is one of the most cliche teenage vampire movies of all time. Unquestionably the most cliche teenage vampire film of all time—The Lost Boys—is from my generation. It starred both of the now infamous 80's Corey's (Haim and Feldman), and the ever-popular Kip Winger look-alike, Kiefer Sutherland.  Anyway, Twilight is exactly the kind of mind-numbing mindless dribble I was looking for when logging hours on my trainer. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of playing a bit of it for wifey. After the first five minutes she looked at me and said "... this is SO silly." After 15 minutes, I asked her if she wanted me to turn it off. Wifey said... "nah... it's okay, go ahead, we can watch it." After a half hour, if I even cleared my throat, she was shushing me. It does not matter if it is blood-sucking vampires, women dig the chick flicks, even vampire chick flicks. Okay.. don't go calling me misogynistic... I mean by the end of the second Twilight film—New Moon—wifey was saying things like:

"... she can't be with Jacob. Edward is her first love," and "She so has to choose Edward. He is so mysterious."

Mysterious?!!

This has prompted me to walk around the house most of the day with furrowed eyebrows and answering everything in riddle-like form. I'll show her mysterious.

Here is what I've learned from Twilight:

1) Women love romance. No matter how campy the movie is.
2) Vampires, although pale-faced and downright scary, can be wooed by women as long as they have bushy eyebrows, a thick head of hair, and drive a really shiny sports car.
3) Certain women gravitate towards the "bad boy" persona. What is more bad ass than saying... "Mom, meet my new boyfriend, Dracula."
4) If any of my daughter's self esteems were so low that they were willing to become an undead vampire to impress a boy, I have probably failed as a parent.
5) Werewolves, although terribly frightening are World class cliff divers. Who knew?

* = indicates a specific triathlon strength.

PROS:       


- Immortality
- Get to meet a lot of really cool historical figures over the next hundred years
- Can go to medical school and still have enough time to pay back your school loans
- Never have to worry about your Select Comfort sleep number bed number since..... you never sleep
- Have superhuman strength and speed*
- Staying out of the sun leaves them wrinkle-free for life.
- High protein, low fat diet *
- Werewolves get to eat muffins. Seriously—there is a scene in Twilight New Moon, where a bunch werewolves are just sitting around eating corn muffins. Nice.

CONS: 


- Terrible life if you were a foodie, chef, or food critic before becoming a vampire. Your diet consists of blood and...... well...blood.
- Immortality (yes, this is a pro and a con—how would you like seeing everyone you love die before you?)
- Pastey white complexion makes it difficult to "hit the beach" during the summer months ^
- Have to wait for capes to become fashionable again.
- Werewolves always have to carry around lint rollers with them because of wolf hair

Just some observations. What are yours?

It's 5:30 a.m. and I am off to the pool to go swimming for an hour followed by a 45 minute endurance run in zone 2. Roar.

More soon. Train Smart.



16 comments:

Jeff - DangleTheCarrot said...

I got nothing ...

Kelly said...

I can't believe you wrote an entire post about vampires. Funny, but really, really weird. (Tell Alaina I liked them too, and Edward is absolutely the best choice...)

Velma said...

Hillarious!

I don't get these movies, but I have watched the first two. I am old and married - I just don't get it!

Christi said...

Okay, I watched the first Eclipse movie and was truly disappointed. I didn't enjoy it at all and was disappointed that I couldn't get the time I spent watching it back.

My favorite campy vampire shows - Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel! Now that is awesome cheeseball entertainment and I use it during my training rides!

Caratunk Girl said...

This is so funny.

AND I disagree with your wife, I am team Jacob. But I like dogs, so that may be why.

Megan Killian said...

LOVE IT!

ONEHOURIRONMAN said...

WHAT??
Vampires make terible Ironmen. Not enough sunscreen available.

Aimee said...

The Lost Boys rocked! I have to admit I have never seen Twilight. But, I think your comments about it are hilarious!

Alex said...

Lol-you forgot about the Twilight vampires sparkle in the sun. =) Major pro!

Alex said...

Team Edward over here. I find Jacob to cheesy and whiney.

Anne said...

Team Edward here. Read the books (or listen to them on audio) though, the movies suck.

I agree with Alex - the Twilight vampires sparkle in the sun. Major plus!

Stacie said...

Awesome post. All the more reason to go Team Jacob. Or if you are my husband, Team Alice.

P said...

This post totally cracked me up, but I think my favorite part was the tag "muffin eating werewolves." LOL!

rwithrow said...

Mark
I'm worried about you now. Get a life HTFU.
Dick

Anthony said...

WE watched the first one this weekend too. Not bad for a HS chick flick, there's hunting, baseball, dismemberment, and Kristen Stewart. New Moon and Eclipse probably moved up the Netflix que.

The Phenomenal Woman said...

I could relate to this post. I am too old for vampire love stories, but yeah, i got hooked when it first came out. And, this time around as I got the twilight books on my Ipad. I don't even know why I enjoy reading them as I find Bella whiny.
My husband is probably going to be scared when the next twilight movie comes out - and i ask him to go watch it with me.